August 16, 2017

BEHIND SUICIDE AND DEPRESSION




Only a few people know me well and they are those who knew that I was suicidal. Yes I was suicidal, almost a decade ago, twice. First, I cut my wrist. 2nd, I drank a silver cleaner. On this photo, I covered up my scar on my wrist with a permanent tattoo- my mom's quote... "Don't ever stop dreaming your dreams"...





Just awhile ago.. I asked myself, why did I really suicide before? Life today is beautiful... And I will never ever do that again...

I tried to end my life not because I don't have money(I have, my mom sends me money and we have an apartment) and I have nothing to eat(yes I have nothing to eat sometimes that I have to ask credit in canteens) Not because I don't have a house(I have, my parents' and it's big for 1 person). I suicide... Not because my family left me. Not because my boyfriend that time(my first boyfriend) was cheating on me. Not because my friends and I just turned to college and I'm the only one who studied in UST and I have no buddy in that school. Not because I forget to pay my bills, ending up with no water and electricity because I was so lonely to think about everything and all I can do is to cry or drink everyday. Not because I need to go to Jollibee's comfort room everyday just to pee and poop... Not because everyday I have to wake up and think about what or how to eat instead of just having a breakfast prepared by someone who cares...

I ended my life, twice, because I felt so alone. Like literally alone. Alone in life, alone in the house, alone in school. Alone and no one to talk to. So alone that I think to myself, no one ever really cares about me so it's just okay to end my life. No one's even looking for me. No one's even telling me to go home when it's already late. No one even care or will ever know if I wake up in the day. No one even bother asking me how am I? How's my life?... People are busy with each lives and I don't even have a life. I have no one. Those moments, it's just me and Coby... My chihuahua... And I cant forget those moments in my life because those moments are what made me stronger and stand up.

Tell me that this is a drama, I don't care. I know my life, my experiences, and I know myself better than anyone else because no one, like no one, really knows me. It was hard for me to stand up in life and build up the missing pieces and I could never allow someone to ruin myself again by judging my whole life and my whole personality because no one of you knows what's my real life story. No one of you does really know everything that I experienced in life. Many of you doesn't even bother to read my blogs nor hear my thoughts so you don't have the rights to tell me you know me,most especially my life story, better than myself.

I may not have done something really big to help people. But I know that I've done enough kindness to people who were really there in my struggles and it's enough for them to remember some goodness in me when I die.

Lastly, this is my Facebook. This is my feelings. This is my diary and a few people are following my life story and somehow inspires them so I will say and write everything that I want as long as I don't judge or step on other people. I'm not even giving an opinion. I'm telling my story. I'm expressing my feelings. And if you see something wrong about this, it's not my problem anymore. Just in case some of you hit by the stone, I'm telling you now that I'm not pertaining to specific person so don't bother to react. I'm pertaining to general-to the many people who judges me... I'm telling this based on my life lessons and experiences. I am a writer and I write to express my feelings and this is me- just in case you don't know.

P.S. Suicidal for me doesn't really mean that I wanted to end my life. Suicidal people wants attention. Wants someone to listen and hear them out.
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